angel stuff

she sits comfortably in her chair, her eyes rapt. i sit quietly in a corner, my hands making sweet melodies on my laptop.
"mommy, i know how to play the game now. i used the help tool."
i smile at her. "well, that's why it's there. you see now what a little patience can do?"
i begin to sing an old song to her in the tune of mary had a little lamb. "patience means you have to wait, have to wait. patience means you have to wait.."
she smiles sheepishly but cuts me off. "eeeiiii, mommy, please stop singing it to me."
i smile indulgently at her, knowing i have already made my point.
she goes back at her game and i go back to mine.
after a very long pause, she blurts out, "mommy, my dinosaur knows how to use the loo."
i smiled again in amusement. how many nine-year old kids who are not britons do you know who uses the word "loo"?
"eeeeoooowww!" i responded to her. "is your dinosaur trying to turn the whole dino park into one big loo?"
"of course not, silly mommy. it has its own loo."
then she goes back to playing. and i go back to playing too.
"mommy, what do you think i should get for my dinosaur? a hat, a shirt or a bag?"
i think it over. "maybe a shirt to keep it warm?"
"yes, i think so too, mommy."
long pause again.
"i think it's way past your bedtime. please shutdown, baby. we still have to go to the family lunch tomorrow." i called out to her.
she closes her own laptop. then she lies down beside me.
"mommy, do you know what my dinosaur's name is?"
"tell me, please."
"angel."
i laugh. and she laughs too...

Perfect Sunsets... and full moons

Irish beckons to me yet again... It's easy enough to let her blog pass... but that was never the case between blogging friends.

She battles with her demons. I was there to share the fresh strawberries there. Probably, some of the rains. Most definitely, the runs.

Irish and I know that running away never solved anything. If it did, why would we be both back in the very place we tried to escape from? Ah, if only we can lose ourselves with the wind, we would be free as kites.

But then, the breeze would never blow in just one direction. It changes. What is constant is the ebb and flow of the tides. And the taste of tea, shared with friends. Warming us, even as winter settles in both of our hearts.

How many times did we look at the sunset?

There was one time, down at Schev. We lost ourselves in our reveries. But that time has passed. Still at another time, in Subic. When we were reminsicing about what it was like to be young.

I cannot take away her pain. I, too, have my own. Children warriors, we're not supposed to survive anything. Except our very own wills.

Irish fights for her cases. Sometimes, I feel like she's on the road to a losing battle. I admire her though. She knows how to fight for people. If only... people who matter to her can fight for her too.

A wish that echoes the same beat in my heart. If only people I loved could have fought for me the same way she does.

The road is paved. Many things have been carved into stone. The path for Irish is still unwinding. For me, there is no going back. I can try to look for her along the way. But even I am not a good role model for her.

It's probably simpler if we just sit by the full moon. Admiring its beauty. Gasping and marveling at it. The full moon eases both of our pains. It cloaks us from the darkness of our thoughts.

We can both write. Of Federer, and teas and strawberries and bikes and little things. We both cannot hide from what we both run away from.

She still has a choice. My choice was already made. A long time ago...

There cannot be any room for regret. There is only a need to move forward. And perhaps, in between movements, a bottle of cheap wine to make us laugh.

To Irish. For moonlights and Moon Rivers...

In Search of One

Perspective. Where do I find it these days when I need one?

There’s this thing gnawing at me. A thing I do not want to know or define. For reasons my own. For reasons I am not ready yet.

If only I can find The Cure. They went out of mod years ago. They sing of dreaming better lives and imaginary grace between my ears at this time of the night. At least, they can dare to stop the world and see the difference where it’s getting better all the time.

Actually, I’m hedging. I’m procrastinating. The future is no longer mine to own as I did ten years ago. Budi’s comment all the way from Indonesia tells me to reach for the stars. I wish I am as upbeat as he is. Well, that is typical of the Budi I know. He never did stop from reaching for the stars even as he struggled with his research paper and I was all ready to throw everything out in the air and start from scratch.

Noli is out of commission. My bestfriend has called me today and I missed it. I could have called back, I guess. But I don’t think I’m ready yet to talk to him. He has issues these days and I have no way of helping him. I wish I could do something about his predicament but the most I can do is listen. I don’t even have perspective to offer him today. Of course, there is always the probability that he is sensing again that something is up and amiss with me, with the way I have been silent lately. He isn’t my best friend for nothing, after all. He usually “senses” me out even miles or continents away. His uncanny instinct that I am running away from my issues and his habit of cornering me so I could force myself to deal with them are notorious. Noli senses that my life can be in disarray even without me telling him. And I thought I had ESP.

Still, I need to go back to the initial problem. Where is perspective when I need it? Noli has already assured me I had it three weeks back. Now, I am not sure. Three weeks can change a lot.

Cold-blooded rationality was never my forte. But decisions made years and years ago has a nasty habit of creeping back. I thought my decision to control my life gave me the right to own my perspective. Now it seems to me that perspective is something I cannot own. It’s something that allows me to see from the eyes of other people.

And I need perspective. Just so I can assure myself that my world is not spinning out.

Finding Autumn

10.02.08
Davao Eden Nature Park

A relaxing morning in Davao’s Eden Nature Park. I am already freshly showered and dressed, waiting for my roomies to finish theirs so we can go up to the resto and have breakfast. I am sitting here by the foyer, looking at glorious sunshine filtering through very tall trees. Morning music fills the air, thanks to those cicadas and I-don’t-know-what-they are called insects making their early noises. Every now and then, yellow and brown leaves slowly plummet down to the ground, soon to be nourishment for the earth. No signs of life or movement coming from the cottage ahead. You can stay here and forget the rest of the world exists after all. No telephone calls to disturb you unless it’s your cellphone ringing. How this part of the world sees the bigger world, I don’t know. It sits here just like a maiden from the olden times, waiting for a straggler to stumble by, discover its beauty and hope to God they return for her to fulfill promises made in the middle of the night. Until the mist is shattered by the sound of basketball hitting the cemented ground somewhere…

Yonder is where we’ll have part 2 of the corpcomm sessions. ‘Tis a place which reconnected me yesterday to a distant part of my memory, something I quickly forgot for some painful reason. In front of the session hall stood a playground. Several zip flights on the right. Kids scrambling around for one. My nostrils automatically sought out particular smells which should have been pervading the air by now. But my senses felt only loss. A memory of Irish, Rommel, Herni and me in Schev suddenly appears. We were taking pictures of kids in the playground of Schev. Irish held hostage one of the zip flights, easily sliding up and down with her light weight. I followed and no surprise there, I stopped in the middle of the zip and lost momentum to go up the other side because I was too heavy. Rommel was taking pictures and Herni tried to pull me up. We were happy as kids once again.

On the left stood a set of slides, swings and other structures meant to give enjoyment to kids. Unbidden, the image of a laughing Amada popped up. Polin was there, holding Angela safe. Agnes and Jason watching in amusement. It was an afternoon spent in Breda with the De Joode kids. Carefree autumn. A holiday from the pressures of life. And I wished suddenly for autumn to come back…

Don’t let anybody tell you who you are
It’s okay to let go, you’re like a shooting star
Remember all you wish for
Believe they will be true
You will never find yourself anywhere else
So find yourself in you…

- Hannah Montanna, Find Yourself in You