In Search of One

Perspective. Where do I find it these days when I need one?

There’s this thing gnawing at me. A thing I do not want to know or define. For reasons my own. For reasons I am not ready yet.

If only I can find The Cure. They went out of mod years ago. They sing of dreaming better lives and imaginary grace between my ears at this time of the night. At least, they can dare to stop the world and see the difference where it’s getting better all the time.

Actually, I’m hedging. I’m procrastinating. The future is no longer mine to own as I did ten years ago. Budi’s comment all the way from Indonesia tells me to reach for the stars. I wish I am as upbeat as he is. Well, that is typical of the Budi I know. He never did stop from reaching for the stars even as he struggled with his research paper and I was all ready to throw everything out in the air and start from scratch.

Noli is out of commission. My bestfriend has called me today and I missed it. I could have called back, I guess. But I don’t think I’m ready yet to talk to him. He has issues these days and I have no way of helping him. I wish I could do something about his predicament but the most I can do is listen. I don’t even have perspective to offer him today. Of course, there is always the probability that he is sensing again that something is up and amiss with me, with the way I have been silent lately. He isn’t my best friend for nothing, after all. He usually “senses” me out even miles or continents away. His uncanny instinct that I am running away from my issues and his habit of cornering me so I could force myself to deal with them are notorious. Noli senses that my life can be in disarray even without me telling him. And I thought I had ESP.

Still, I need to go back to the initial problem. Where is perspective when I need it? Noli has already assured me I had it three weeks back. Now, I am not sure. Three weeks can change a lot.

Cold-blooded rationality was never my forte. But decisions made years and years ago has a nasty habit of creeping back. I thought my decision to control my life gave me the right to own my perspective. Now it seems to me that perspective is something I cannot own. It’s something that allows me to see from the eyes of other people.

And I need perspective. Just so I can assure myself that my world is not spinning out.